LOVE'S ADVENTURE

We long for love as much as we fear receiving it.

We yearn to be seen as much as we bolt at the possibility of being seen.

We hunger for the deep embrace of presence, tender eyes that gaze upon us with understanding and empathy, as much as we try to escape that very holding. It's too intimate. Too risky. Too exposing.

Nowhere to hide. To be seen is to be loved. To be seen is to die. Love is danger. Or so we have been taught.

A battle rages in us. The unloved one longing to hide, and the one who longs for the thrill and risk of living. Contraction and expansion. Breathing, in and out.

Unconsciously, we are attracted to or repelled by those who treat us, speak to us, hold us the way our parents did or did not. We are drawn to those who can heal us, and sometimes drawn to those who cannot, or worse. We think we are falling in love with a person, and sometimes we are just falling in love with our own image of them, which has nothing to do with the 'other' at all.

We love and we lose our images of love. We rise and we fall. Our hearts soar and our hearts break into a million pieces. We seek security and find insecurity and we find security in that. We seek freedom and find the prison of our own programming and lose hope and then regain it.

Sometimes it takes courage to leave a relationship. Sometimes it takes courage to stay. Sometimes it takes courage to do nothing, today. Sometimes it takes courage to admit how much pain you are in.

Sometimes it takes courage to admit how happy you are.

Sometimes you take a step without knowing why, and everything only becomes clear in hindsight.

You can't get it wrong anyway.

We lose ourselves and we find ourselves. We give more than we can take, exhausting ourselves in the name of "love". Or we run as fast as we can, exhausting ourselves in our flight from "love".

"Will somebody see me. Listen. Hold me. Let me break..."

And the drama of love plays out. And as the play goes on we learn more about ourselves. We begin to see our blind spots. Our unconscious patterns come into the light of awareness. We realise our assumptions. Our childhood fantasies start to crumble. Pain that we never wanted to feel, we suddenly feel. Grief. Anger. Feelings of rejection, abandonment. We want to run, go back into the old addictions, the old comfort, and for whatever reason, we don't. We get curious. We start looking and stop thinking so much.

We begin to relate to ourselves. Treat ourselves like the greatest lovers that we are. The most fascinating and beloved creatures.

With each day, we begin meeting ourselves more deeply. Discovering who we really are. What we feel, and what we don't. What we want and what we don't. Learning to say 'yes' when we mean yes and 'no' when we mean no and if that hurts someone, giving them back their responsibility to heal. Learning that love is not all butterflies and roses and positive feelings. It is work, too. It is mess. It is pain and the courage to breathe through that pain into joy and expansiveness. Love asks us to become more and more real, more and more human, more and more conscious, less and less perfect. More self-aware and willing to feel. And to feel more. And to feel more. And more. And to let our hearts break sometimes. To not know, sometimes. To be bored, sometimes. To be blissed-out, sometimes. To be full of life. To sometimes not know what the next step is. And to take it, or not.

Love is not a feeling, a state, or an experience. It's not a destination.

It's this extraordinary Light that shines from within.

It's this radiant Knowing that never leaves.

It's the Joy of being alive.

We can know it together. We can know it alone.

We can remind each other of it. We can forget, too.

We can trigger each other and help each other get curious about those triggers. We can do that work, or not.

We can meet in love's fire. Walk together, or not.

Share our hearts. Step back. Step towards. Or stay where we are.

Learn to love the dance of it, the spontaneity, the adventure, the mystery, the immediacy and the intimacy of it and the running too.

Learn to unlearn what we knew and embrace the unknowing as new knowing.

And get more and more content with the unresolveability of it all.

More and more happy with the unhappy one, certain about the uncertainty, so secure in the insecurity.

More and more blissed-out at our lack of bliss.

More and more curious about what's here Now.

Less and less solid, more and more playful.

Less a seeker of love, more a giver of it, and a finder, and a Presence that invites others into the same wild joy.

This is Love's Adventure.

The mind of a woman and the mind of a man are two distinct minds at their very core. And only with both can there be a world.

It began when G‑d decided to create a world. In doing so, He took two perspectives. He saw the world from beyond, as its Creator. And He saw the world from within, as the energy of life.
From that first perspective originates the mind of man; from the second, the mind of woman.
That is why the man has the power to conquer and subdue, but he does not have the woman’s sense of the other.
That is why the woman feels the other. She does not conquer, she nurtures. But her light is tightly constrained.
As they bond together, the man unleashes the woman’s light, and the woman teaches the man to feel the other. In that union shines the very essence of all that is holy and divine.

Every Day You Play

Every day you play with the light of the universe.
Subtle visitor, you arrive in the flower and the water.
You are more than this white head that I hold tightly
as a cluster of fruit, every day, between my hands.
You are like nobody since I love you.
Let me spread you out among yellow garlands.
Who writes your name in letters of smoke among the stars of the south?
Oh let me remember you as you were before you existed.
Suddenly the wind howls and bangs at my shut window.
The sky is a net crammed with shadowy fish.
Here all the winds let go sooner or later, all of them.
The rain takes off her clothes.
The birds go by, fleeing.
The wind. The wind.
I can contend only against the power of men.
The storm whirls dark leaves
and turns loose all the boats that were moored last night to the sky.
You are here. Oh, you do not run away.
You will answer me to the last cry.
Cling to me as though you were frightened.
Even so, at one time a strange shadow ran through your eyes.
Now, now too, little one, you bring me honeysuckle,
and even your breasts smell of it.
While the sad wind goes slaughtering butterflies
I love you, and my happiness bites the plum of your mouth.
How you must have suffered getting accustomed to me,
my savage, solitary soul, my name that sends them all running.
So many times we have seen the morning star burn, kissing our eyes,
and over our heads the gray light unwind in turning fans.
My words rained over you, stroking you.
A long time I have loved the sunned mother-of-pearl of your body.
I go so far as to think that you own the universe.
I will bring you happy flowers from the mountains, bluebells,
dark hazels, and rustic baskets of kisses.
I want
to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees.
Pablo Neruda

Soul connection; Sacred intimacy; Divine love

 A Sacred Shiva man honors his Goddess by opening her tender heart deeply and showing her that she can trust him through anything. He doesn't withhold his feelings or hide from her, he is conscious and gives her full disclosure and full transparency. He is present and authentic which allows his Shakti to melt deeper into Love, to reveal her vulnerability and her strength, to open herself more and more. She feels seen, held, safe and protected. She gives her Shiva a home in her heart and a mirror of self reflection, she guides him to deeper intimacy and walks him through his fears. Through the Love and support of this holy connection they are each able to shine their divine light brighter within themselves, each other and spread infinite Love and healing in the world.
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An evolved woman is in touch with her heart and soul in a way that most men fail to understand. Her intuition and her ability to sense truth from shades of grey is a gift that men can only wonder at. And her propensity to love passionately is what every man desires. Yet, by treating her like his property, forgetting that she is the giver of life, and in not respecting the uniqueness of her femininity, the man closes the door to dancing together with her in the flames of true soul-deep intimacy. The world needs men who have surrendered their egos; men who honour women for being a goddess; men who are living their masculinity from a place of the heart.

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The Sacred Masculine is soft and strong, a balance of masculine and feminine energy. He is open hearted, honest, transparent and vulnerable. He doesn't play games, hide in shame or withhold his feelings. His actions and words are in alignment. He doesn't crack or run from fear and pressure but rather courageously leans into his resistance. He admires and respects the divine feminine, he does not partake in objectifying women in any way shape or form. He reveres and protects the Goddess. He is honorable, noble, righteous, real and true. An imperfectly perfect being on a deep healing path. He does his personal growth work to be a better man. He leads by example. He integrates his light and his dark sides. He is a beacon of Love. A poetic soul who is profoundly breathtaking.

This picture just broke my heart... with it's honest vulnerability

WHY YOU CANNOT GO WRONG

In reality, your world is set up so that nothing happens to you, but everything happens for you - for your awakening, for your growth, for your inspiration, for your exploration, and ultimately for your healing - even if you forget that, or cannot see it, or sometimes fall into distraction, despair and disillusionment.
When there is no fixed destination, you cannot ever lose your destination, so you cannot ever lose your path, so nothing that happens in your life can take you off your path. Your path IS what happens, and what happens IS your path. There is no other.
Everything is a gift on this unbreakable path that you call your life - the laughter, the tears, the times of great sorrow, the experiences of profound loss, the pain, the confusion, the times you believe you'll never make it, even the overwhelming heartbreak of love - even if you forget that sometimes, or cannot see that sometimes, or lose faith absolutely in the entire show sometimes.
But even the loss of faith in the show is part of the show, and even the scene where 'something goes wrong' is not indicative of the movie going wrong, and so you are always exactly where you need to be, believe it or not, even if you are not.
Life can be trusted absolutely, even when trust seems a million light-years away, and life cannot go wrong, for all is life, and life is all.
Understand this, know it in your heart, and spirituality is profoundly simple, as simple as breathing, as natural as gazing up at the stars at night and falling into silent wonder.
The universe is more beautiful than you could ever imagine.

The beautiful Stranger speaks...

Okay, I plead guilty...

I noticed you before you did me. How could I not? Your being just took my breath away... your smile, the way you tucked that unruly strand of hair behind your ear, the way you stood aside to let someone else go before you... yes, your beauty, but it was more than just what you looked like that stirred my heart. I felt your soul, your light... your shine sparkled, even the sunshine seemed to dance around you... I could just not look away. 
 I kept staring at you, willing you to turn around and look at me and you did!
I could see your anger, see that (as you said) you were livid with me. I could see that this one exchange of glances changed your life... because it changed mine as well. If you felt like you were mine, I felt it too. That we belonged together, that we had always been together, maybe on a distant star.

I longed to just walk up to you and hug you, just pull you gently in to my arms and just hold you forever. I wanted to create a beautiful world just for you, a world where your smile would always be safe. I wanted to be the reason behind your joy, your happiness, your pleasure in life. I wanted it all to be because of me. 
I know, dearest heart, that you look at me from the corner of your eyes, simply because I am doing the same. 

Let us just acknowledge this feeling, this love between us and give it up to God. If it is meant to manifest, it will. Know that it already is and always will be.

Till then, know that I walk with you, in all your moments, as I know you do with me, holding each other in loving thoughts and clear intent.
...

Remember By Christina Rossetti

,

And then I surrender to it....

Tonight I ache.

With every beat, every breath, every blink.

But I’m not sad.

Not hurting.

Not broken.

Oh no, on the contrary.

I’m full of love.

The kind of love that overwhelms you, threatens to break your heart with its magnitude. Pushes into your field in waves, gently coming and going like the tide. Though perhaps not so gently.

Surely I am too small for this love. Too fragile. Too brittle.

Surely if I let it all in I must combust.

Break into thousands of tiny pieces never to be recognised again.

Surely it must overwhelm me. Strip me of my identity. Have its way with me; leave me naked, broken and shivering in its wake.

My heart hurts with love. So much love it frightens me.

I can feel my fear pulsing with the beat of my heart.

Screaming out to me that I don’t deserve such love. That if I let it in it will just abandon me. Toy with and then tire of me, leaving me all alone.

I close my eyes and take a breath. Another. Another.

And then I surrender to it. To this Love.

Allow it to wash over and through me. Through my fear.

To take my heart. My body. My soul.

To break me wide open and have all of me.

And in that moment I understand.

Love is the answer no matter the question.

Love is the essence of our universe, the building block of our existence, the true nature of our beings.

It is there always, fiercely gentle, patiently waiting for us to accept its unconditional presence in our lives.

Love is remaining right where it is, holding us in its embrace until we are brave enough to invite it in.

Love has no prerequisites, no expectations, no stipulations.

Love just loves us no matter what.

Love will not abandon us, it is us who abandons it.

Thoughts about Soul Connections and Manifesting Dreams...

When your heart is calm, your mind is steady, and you have sought first the Partner Within, which is your Soul, then you will have reached a point where the need to be with another is a bitter-sweet ache. Don't try and suppress this yearning. It is perfectly natural and spontaneous. Express it to yourself, admit it to God/ Source/ The Universe...

This yearning is an integral part of your journey. You feel alive, you feel complete, you feel life force surge within you and you want to share it.

Just don't let it consume you. Put yourself in a place where you can "see" your longing... not BE it. This is to say be FINE with wherever you are

It has taken a great deal out of you to reach a point of awareness & clarity. You have suffered the pains of a huge awakening, to be one with your soul. Like a seed you were buried alive and you have broken free and sprung forth from the Earth to claim your place in the Sun.

What you seek is not someone to "complete" you but one to share your completeness with. There are no missing pieces of you that the other will bring and make you a better version of You.

No, there, now, will be three beautiful entities : You, Him/ Her and the WE that you create together.

No games will be played, societal conditioning can go take a walk, it will just BE : beautiful energy... love... simple everyday magic & miracles... holding hands, warm hugs, languid kisses, meaningful silences... Just LOVE..

Sounds blissful and magical!!!

BUT...just do not have an IDEAL because people live with an ideal Soul mate in their minds, and never get to really experience a relationship with anyone, because when they meet a person that might be a potential partner, they compare this person to the ideal in their head. The ideal in the head is not a real person, it is an ideal that will not be manifested. When you want to have a soul connection with a partner, you have to be willing to work with what the Universe offers you. 

In so many ways, manifesting your dreams will involve letting go of your dreams. Confusing, I know... read on...

When we have too many expectations, we block the flow in our lives as we are too busy rejecting things as they are not meeting our expectations... this becomes a vicious cycle of negativity and resistance. Life truly only flows when you are in the vibe of positivity and acceptance. Letting go of your dreams means letting go of YOUR IDEA of how it should be and be open to what the Universe wants to give you. To learn to play with potentials that come your way. Well, how do we get what we want then? Simple, just KNOW what you want... strip down to your very essence, shed your ego, shed the drama, break yourself open again and again till only YOU remain, standing naked in blinding light of knowing who you are, what are your boundaries, what you will and will not allow, what makes your heart sing, what your nature is...

Consider this simple example: For an apple tree dreaming of making apples, you can imagine that the Universe will grant its wish. Now the apple tree is completely aware of it's nature... so, it does not say I want to grow mangoes. That would be silly. It wants to, longs to grow apples, red, ripe, crisp apples because that is what the tree IS. So, apples will grow... some seasons not as many as the tree would have liked and other times, a bumper harvest. Be like the tree, long and ask for what you are, not what you are not.

Expressive intimacy

Put aside the instruction manuals. Your partner’s body is a unique landscape to be explored.

Explore it—with care and attention. With your hands, your mouth, your eyes.

Remove their garments. Slowly. Or urgently. It doesn’t matter, as long as you undress them.

Look into their eyes. Gaze unflinchingly, unashamedly.

Breathe fully and deeply. Synchronize your breathing. Inhale their exhalation. Allow them to inhale yours.

Ask questions. Answer honestly.

Tell them what you’d like in this moment. Or show them where and how to touch you.

Be real. Be vulnerable.

Kiss them. On the mouth, the back of their neck, their belly button. Light kisses. Deep and probing kisses. Kiss them until you both  tremble and cry out for carnal fusion.

Take responsibility for your own pleasure. Give gentle but clear feedback—through moans, words and movement.

Stroke their back, their belly.  Notice what makes them quiver.

Was that a sharp intake of breath? Oh, do that again!

Did I mention moaning? Moan. Softly or loudly—just make some noise.

Go down on them. Tease them with your tongue— create a hunger for a deeper thrusting.

But don’t go chasing orgasms.

Focus instead on mutual pleasure. When pleasure is all that’s sought and orgasms are experienced as a bonus, they often come more easily. More readily. Just, more.

Relax. Enjoy the delicious sensation of lying skin-to-skin with another beautiful soul. Languish lazily, draped in each other’s limbs, dipping in and out of love-making. Indulge in the moment. In one another.

Be yourself and allow your partner to be who they are too.

Be present—

in your own body and with the body next to you. Present and connected, love one another with all of your body and soul.

Hilda Carroll 

DOES YOUR MIND WANDER?

I am in the mood ...
I am in the mood for
expression, for emotion,
and for a light conversation.

I am in the mood ...
I am in the mood for learning
about you, for walking with you
and for BEING with you.

I am in the mood ...
I am in the mood for
Love and peace and
a better understanding
of what we all are demanding.

I am in the mood ...
I am in the mood to be
like a river, flowing free
and to be embraced by
the arms of the sea.

and now...
I am the mood for a cup of tea.


Lopamudra (1991)

Just found this poem I had written ages back.

The Song of Sadness

Sorrow prepares you for joy. It violently sweeps everything out of your house, so that new joy can find space to enter. It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart, so that fresh, green leaves can grow in their place. It pulls up the rotten roots, so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take their place.

It is you who has to believe in this eternal truth, with all your heart. Your belief and faith will give it power to manifest completely in your life.

So, whenever you are sad, sing a song!!

EGO -D

Are you alone today?
Do you seek a way...
to know, to find
somewhere in your mind
answers to what transpired...

Are you not inspired
by the strange turns of fate
which unlock the gate
of your closed heart
and so depart... your ego,
your pride and leave behind
only a shred of former glory...

All else swallowed by
LOVE... a powerful emotion
a never-ending devotion to
HIM!


Lopamudra (2001/2)

Excerpt from The Prophet by Khalil Gibran

Let there be spaces in your togetherness, and let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.

THE SHADOW...

It was one of those get togethers at the GOC’s house and I was draping my turquoise sari. Atul came to help me with the pleats which he always did…I smiled. He looked so handsome in his bandhgala. It was navy blue, which caught his complexion really well. He looked every inch the officer and the gentleman he was. My heart swelled with pride and my love for him shone in my eyes. He preened, touching his mouche, combing away imaginary unruly strands of hair, dusting his shoulders. I nudged him and we both laughed, in perfect harmony with each other.

We entered the party lawns and walked towards our host Gen. K , who was holding court with some officers and their wives. A grinned “The cat is away (referring to the Gen’s wife)… I smiled. It was well known in the Army circle that Mrs. K was a tough old bird. Suddenly, A called out “Hey! Bhatta, you bugger! Come here”. I turned to see a young officer, probably a captain with his wife walking up to us. Oh! She was so pretty, in her heavy Benarasi saree, gold jewellery and her wedding choora.

She looked shy, ill at ease. My heart warmed towards her, knowing what she must be feeling. The Army atmosphere can be overwhelming for a young girl, the protocol, the sit down dinners, I had been through it, and so I knew the anxiety one feels as a new bride. You want to make a good impression especially for your husband’s sake. And there is enough gossip floating around about how the ladies can tear one to shreds, if one doesn’t know the salad fork from the dinner one at those stuffy formal sit-downs!

“Maam, this is S, my wife”, said Bhatta, proudly. I spoke to her warmly, asking her about her family etc. She talked to me a bit shyly at first, but soon was chattering away, telling me about her exams and their honeymoon in Goa (a favourite destination for young officers as the Army has a nice setup in Panjim)… After a while, we moved away, had to circulate… but I kept looking out for S, smiling whenever I spotted her, she reminded me of myself so much when I had been a new bride. A asked me “L, what is it? Why the smile?” I said “Just that I look at her and see myself then and now as a Col’s wife, sure of what is expected of me. Just thinking she will be sure too”. He nodded, saying “He is a bright chap, will rise, got an alpha on his YO’s.” We looked towards them and I felt the hair on my arms rise!

I saw something behind S, a hazy figure of a woman. I don’t know why, my heart filled with sense of foreboding. I felt a cold finger run up my spine. Something terrible was going to happen! I asked A “What is that?” He couldn’t see anything. After a minute or so, though it seemed like forever, the shadow disappeared. My throat was dry. “Oh! God… they are so young! Let nothing happened to them” a silent prayer escaped my lips.
I was quiet for the rest of the evening and as we drove back home, I asked A “Is the brigade moving out for anything?” He said “Yes, darling. You know its winter; we will be going for the regular exercise in the desert area. Why?” I said nothing.

In the next few weeks, I met S too, once or twice at a Ladies Meet and a coffee morning. But it was at a welfare event that I saw the shadow again just behind her. I shook my head, it was still there. My heart tightened.

That evening, I waited for A’s call. When the phone rang, I snatched it and asked him “How is Capt. Bhattacharya? Where is he?” There was a note of surprise in A’s voice as he answered, “He is with his unit. They are 100 kms away from my location. Why?” Then I told him of what I had seen and my fears. He laughed gently, cracked a few jokes and in his usual way, put my fears to rest. I was feeling light when I hung up.

The next morning, the phone rang around 6 am. I reached out for it and as I listened to the voice telling me what had happened, I realized that the shadow had been for me, not S.

Meaningless

I have personally been through a very rough patch, devastating, infact. I lost my husband, my elder brother in a span of 5 months. They were both less than 40. Some other problems also cropped at the same time. In short, my life just seemed to spiral out of control. I ended up in a city I didn’t know, a place where I had no friends, in a situation where I felt totally helpless. I just did not know what to do with my time or myself.
What I did was “face” what had happened. It is easier said than done. I didn’t want to admit that just after 3 years of bliss, my husband had died or my elder brother who was like a roof over my head, had died as well. Notice that I say “die” not passed away, or moved on. Saying this even to myself was very difficult. But it was the truth, right? No point in shutting it out… there is NO way one can shut truth out. It creeps in through cracks, in bits and pieces, in shapes and forms that leave one feeling worse. Much better to let it in, and wash over you, in its entirety. Believe me, this “allowing” self to feel is a huge step towards moving on. I shut myself out. I cried. I stayed in darkness. I grieved. I fought with God. But, at the back of my mind, I was just strengthening my self to rise up, stronger and sure of myself. You know, one reads about the power of free will and choice, but till realization sets in, the concept remains just that, a concept.

Today, as I write this, I smile because I know now that the so-called meaningless things in life have more meaning for the one who can see. We all go through life, conditioned by society, family about what has meaning… a career, a beautiful home, money, to be able to travel to exotic places, and you CANNOT be single! (What’s wrong with you? Aren’t you seeing anyone? Sounds familiar?)… We hear it so much, read about it in glossies, see perfection sashay down ramps on TV, see people leading a lifestyle that one can only aspire towards. Somewhere, somehow, we start believing that OUR life the way it is is not good enough. We are not good-looking enough, fit enough, rich enough, interesting enough… and we cry inside, screaming “enough is enough”, yet no one hears, sometimes, even we don’t hear our “self” calling out…
And then, life is a drag; one feels like Atlas twice over, sucked in a dark vortex, wondering how to deal with it.
Here’s how: Let yourself feel, let yourself go, dive straight in the dark dank waters of negative thoughts. You need to confront each of these, before you can let go. I liken it to crossing a river; you need to swim across to know the depths, to understand the nature of the river. If you build a bridge, or row across in a boat, you will get to the other side, but without knowing what the river is like. I hope my example is clear. In short, embrace something close so that you can let it go. Paradoxical? Yes! But so is life!


Learn to reach out to others. There is NOTHING that has happened to you that hasn’t to anyone else and it will happen again to someone. You are not alone in your moment of happiness or pain. But its just that, a moment. And last but not the least, be grateful to life, to God, to everyone, even those people who hurt you or gave up on you, they enriched your life’s experience in their own way. After all, can one just survive on sweets? You need a balance. Is night anything without day and does day have any meaning without night? Remember to be grateful for this balance in your life. Treat everything in life as a lesson. Learn to ask yourself when in any situation, what can I learn from this? Believe me, you will find something! I am a different person today. I keep busy, am peaceful and like waking up in the mornings! I don’t have any secret formula to share with you, or some magical chant or potion. It’s just that I have changed my definition of what has meaning for me. A smile on a stranger’s face, the green of the leaves, the sky with its multi hued patterns, even a lone flowerpot on someone’s windowsill makes me smile. Life is beautiful, indeed, even with all its broken dreams and rough rides.

LIFE ON HER TERMS... (a story or is it?)

She sifted through her table drawers once again; didn’t want to leave any memory, untouched before she left and of course destroying damning evidence, if any. She smiled, thinking to herself that she had actually never done anything which needed to be hidden or destroyed. She had lived her life, with dignity and her head held high. “An open book”, Opal” that’s how one dear friend had described her. Ah well, better to be open than closed; makes it easy to deal with people and be free, truthful. After all, an open book wouldn’t have any pages hidden, now would it?

Of course, in her life’s journey, her idealism had mellowed and now she knew that she could only be responsible for her thoughts and that s it. If anyone needs change, it has to come from within, and no matter how much you love a person, you are still not that person’s thinking. You can pray, ache, agonize for them but you cannot realize for them. Yup, that was not possible. She didn’t mind the pain that had come her way; there were plenty of good times to remember not just the losses, she knew that. But she also knew that to be able to GO ON, one must receive, and give and receive in return, This is the eternal scheme of things; the symbol of zero; full circle, the serpent eating its own tail, however one put it… this was how things were meant to be, how mankind was meant to be; not standing with their hands crossed their chest but each one holding another’s hand. She grinned, God! May that day come when we all hold each other, carry each other and hold out our hand to the man with the lonely eyes. OMG! That was a line from a Supertramp song. She laughed out aloud, thinking of how much she loved music and how even now it was seeped within her sub conscious, even now, when…

There was nothing in the drawers. She turned her attention to the little packet she had made. It had his handkerchief, watch, a picture of the two of them and a letter she had written while he had been away. Was she being Egyptian, she grinned, how does it matter, doing this is giving me peace now and that’s what counts. After all, wasn’t it time she looked out for herself? Her peace? Her space? Her life?

Her eyes grew moist as she thought again of how cruelly pages from her book of life had been ripped out. My dear friend, don’t you realize the jagged edges remain and that they cause pain which never goes away. Yet, how silly to expect compassion from someone who was brutal enough to tear her life apart in the first place.

She walked around her house, touching things here and there, smiling. Oh, before she forgot, she lit up incense in each room, because the fragrance was calming and while she was calm, she knew that when that front door opened, whoever entered would be anything but calm.

She entered her bedroom drew the curtains, stripped and went for a shower, cool water running down her body. She sighed with pure pleasure and scrubbed herself well. Taking the towel from the rack, she draped herself in it drying, her hair, her hair was long, thick and almost till her waist, that took forever to dry. She tossed the dryer aside. The weather was balmy; they would dry on their own. What should she wear? She stood in front of her closet, wondering at the perennial “what should I wear” feminine dilemma.

First things first, she put on a new pair of undies, and a bra which fit her very well. Then she took her favorite long skirt and pulled it over her head, reached out for an orange t-shirt. She grinned at her choice of clothes; she was always one for comfort, not fashion. But her one weakness, perfumes, esp. layering, you know when one bathes with a soap or a shower gel and uses a body lotion and then sprays on the perfume (all the same brand)… She had chosen Paris by YSL. No particular reason, she just liked it. She went and sat down on her bed, put the packet she had made on the side table, turning her head this way and that to make sure her bedroom was in order.

Then she lay down on her bed, took out the razor blade and slit her wrists.