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Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Jul 13, 2015
Apr 21, 2008
THE SHADOW...
It was one of those get togethers at the GOC’s house and I was draping my turquoise sari. Atul came to help me with the pleats which he always did…I smiled. He looked so handsome in his bandhgala. It was navy blue, which caught his complexion really well. He looked every inch the officer and the gentleman he was. My heart swelled with pride and my love for him shone in my eyes. He preened, touching his mouche, combing away imaginary unruly strands of hair, dusting his shoulders. I nudged him and we both laughed, in perfect harmony with each other.
We entered the party lawns and walked towards our host Gen. K , who was holding court with some officers and their wives. A grinned “The cat is away (referring to the Gen’s wife)… I smiled. It was well known in the Army circle that Mrs. K was a tough old bird. Suddenly, A called out “Hey! Bhatta, you bugger! Come here”. I turned to see a young officer, probably a captain with his wife walking up to us. Oh! She was so pretty, in her heavy Benarasi saree, gold jewellery and her wedding choora.
She looked shy, ill at ease. My heart warmed towards her, knowing what she must be feeling. The Army atmosphere can be overwhelming for a young girl, the protocol, the sit down dinners, I had been through it, and so I knew the anxiety one feels as a new bride. You want to make a good impression especially for your husband’s sake. And there is enough gossip floating around about how the ladies can tear one to shreds, if one doesn’t know the salad fork from the dinner one at those stuffy formal sit-downs!
“Maam, this is S, my wife”, said Bhatta, proudly. I spoke to her warmly, asking her about her family etc. She talked to me a bit shyly at first, but soon was chattering away, telling me about her exams and their honeymoon in Goa (a favourite destination for young officers as the Army has a nice setup in Panjim)… After a while, we moved away, had to circulate… but I kept looking out for S, smiling whenever I spotted her, she reminded me of myself so much when I had been a new bride. A asked me “L, what is it? Why the smile?” I said “Just that I look at her and see myself then and now as a Col’s wife, sure of what is expected of me. Just thinking she will be sure too”. He nodded, saying “He is a bright chap, will rise, got an alpha on his YO’s.” We looked towards them and I felt the hair on my arms rise!
I saw something behind S, a hazy figure of a woman. I don’t know why, my heart filled with sense of foreboding. I felt a cold finger run up my spine. Something terrible was going to happen! I asked A “What is that?” He couldn’t see anything. After a minute or so, though it seemed like forever, the shadow disappeared. My throat was dry. “Oh! God… they are so young! Let nothing happened to them” a silent prayer escaped my lips.
I was quiet for the rest of the evening and as we drove back home, I asked A “Is the brigade moving out for anything?” He said “Yes, darling. You know its winter; we will be going for the regular exercise in the desert area. Why?” I said nothing.
In the next few weeks, I met S too, once or twice at a Ladies Meet and a coffee morning. But it was at a welfare event that I saw the shadow again just behind her. I shook my head, it was still there. My heart tightened.
That evening, I waited for A’s call. When the phone rang, I snatched it and asked him “How is Capt. Bhattacharya? Where is he?” There was a note of surprise in A’s voice as he answered, “He is with his unit. They are 100 kms away from my location. Why?” Then I told him of what I had seen and my fears. He laughed gently, cracked a few jokes and in his usual way, put my fears to rest. I was feeling light when I hung up.
The next morning, the phone rang around 6 am. I reached out for it and as I listened to the voice telling me what had happened, I realized that the shadow had been for me, not S.
We entered the party lawns and walked towards our host Gen. K , who was holding court with some officers and their wives. A grinned “The cat is away (referring to the Gen’s wife)… I smiled. It was well known in the Army circle that Mrs. K was a tough old bird. Suddenly, A called out “Hey! Bhatta, you bugger! Come here”. I turned to see a young officer, probably a captain with his wife walking up to us. Oh! She was so pretty, in her heavy Benarasi saree, gold jewellery and her wedding choora.
She looked shy, ill at ease. My heart warmed towards her, knowing what she must be feeling. The Army atmosphere can be overwhelming for a young girl, the protocol, the sit down dinners, I had been through it, and so I knew the anxiety one feels as a new bride. You want to make a good impression especially for your husband’s sake. And there is enough gossip floating around about how the ladies can tear one to shreds, if one doesn’t know the salad fork from the dinner one at those stuffy formal sit-downs!
“Maam, this is S, my wife”, said Bhatta, proudly. I spoke to her warmly, asking her about her family etc. She talked to me a bit shyly at first, but soon was chattering away, telling me about her exams and their honeymoon in Goa (a favourite destination for young officers as the Army has a nice setup in Panjim)… After a while, we moved away, had to circulate… but I kept looking out for S, smiling whenever I spotted her, she reminded me of myself so much when I had been a new bride. A asked me “L, what is it? Why the smile?” I said “Just that I look at her and see myself then and now as a Col’s wife, sure of what is expected of me. Just thinking she will be sure too”. He nodded, saying “He is a bright chap, will rise, got an alpha on his YO’s.” We looked towards them and I felt the hair on my arms rise!
I saw something behind S, a hazy figure of a woman. I don’t know why, my heart filled with sense of foreboding. I felt a cold finger run up my spine. Something terrible was going to happen! I asked A “What is that?” He couldn’t see anything. After a minute or so, though it seemed like forever, the shadow disappeared. My throat was dry. “Oh! God… they are so young! Let nothing happened to them” a silent prayer escaped my lips.
I was quiet for the rest of the evening and as we drove back home, I asked A “Is the brigade moving out for anything?” He said “Yes, darling. You know its winter; we will be going for the regular exercise in the desert area. Why?” I said nothing.
In the next few weeks, I met S too, once or twice at a Ladies Meet and a coffee morning. But it was at a welfare event that I saw the shadow again just behind her. I shook my head, it was still there. My heart tightened.
That evening, I waited for A’s call. When the phone rang, I snatched it and asked him “How is Capt. Bhattacharya? Where is he?” There was a note of surprise in A’s voice as he answered, “He is with his unit. They are 100 kms away from my location. Why?” Then I told him of what I had seen and my fears. He laughed gently, cracked a few jokes and in his usual way, put my fears to rest. I was feeling light when I hung up.
The next morning, the phone rang around 6 am. I reached out for it and as I listened to the voice telling me what had happened, I realized that the shadow had been for me, not S.
Nov 15, 2007
Meaningless
I have personally been through a very rough patch, devastating, infact. I lost my husband, my elder brother in a span of 5 months. They were both less than 40. Some other problems also cropped at the same time. In short, my life just seemed to spiral out of control. I ended up in a city I didn’t know, a place where I had no friends, in a situation where I felt totally helpless. I just did not know what to do with my time or myself.
What I did was “face” what had happened. It is easier said than done. I didn’t want to admit that just after 3 years of bliss, my husband had died or my elder brother who was like a roof over my head, had died as well. Notice that I say “die” not passed away, or moved on. Saying this even to myself was very difficult. But it was the truth, right? No point in shutting it out… there is NO way one can shut truth out. It creeps in through cracks, in bits and pieces, in shapes and forms that leave one feeling worse. Much better to let it in, and wash over you, in its entirety. Believe me, this “allowing” self to feel is a huge step towards moving on. I shut myself out. I cried. I stayed in darkness. I grieved. I fought with God. But, at the back of my mind, I was just strengthening my self to rise up, stronger and sure of myself. You know, one reads about the power of free will and choice, but till realization sets in, the concept remains just that, a concept.
Today, as I write this, I smile because I know now that the so-called meaningless things in life have more meaning for the one who can see. We all go through life, conditioned by society, family about what has meaning… a career, a beautiful home, money, to be able to travel to exotic places, and you CANNOT be single! (What’s wrong with you? Aren’t you seeing anyone? Sounds familiar?)… We hear it so much, read about it in glossies, see perfection sashay down ramps on TV, see people leading a lifestyle that one can only aspire towards. Somewhere, somehow, we start believing that OUR life the way it is is not good enough. We are not good-looking enough, fit enough, rich enough, interesting enough… and we cry inside, screaming “enough is enough”, yet no one hears, sometimes, even we don’t hear our “self” calling out…
And then, life is a drag; one feels like Atlas twice over, sucked in a dark vortex, wondering how to deal with it.
Here’s how: Let yourself feel, let yourself go, dive straight in the dark dank waters of negative thoughts. You need to confront each of these, before you can let go. I liken it to crossing a river; you need to swim across to know the depths, to understand the nature of the river. If you build a bridge, or row across in a boat, you will get to the other side, but without knowing what the river is like. I hope my example is clear. In short, embrace something close so that you can let it go. Paradoxical? Yes! But so is life!
Learn to reach out to others. There is NOTHING that has happened to you that hasn’t to anyone else and it will happen again to someone. You are not alone in your moment of happiness or pain. But its just that, a moment. And last but not the least, be grateful to life, to God, to everyone, even those people who hurt you or gave up on you, they enriched your life’s experience in their own way. After all, can one just survive on sweets? You need a balance. Is night anything without day and does day have any meaning without night? Remember to be grateful for this balance in your life. Treat everything in life as a lesson. Learn to ask yourself when in any situation, what can I learn from this? Believe me, you will find something! I am a different person today. I keep busy, am peaceful and like waking up in the mornings! I don’t have any secret formula to share with you, or some magical chant or potion. It’s just that I have changed my definition of what has meaning for me. A smile on a stranger’s face, the green of the leaves, the sky with its multi hued patterns, even a lone flowerpot on someone’s windowsill makes me smile. Life is beautiful, indeed, even with all its broken dreams and rough rides.
What I did was “face” what had happened. It is easier said than done. I didn’t want to admit that just after 3 years of bliss, my husband had died or my elder brother who was like a roof over my head, had died as well. Notice that I say “die” not passed away, or moved on. Saying this even to myself was very difficult. But it was the truth, right? No point in shutting it out… there is NO way one can shut truth out. It creeps in through cracks, in bits and pieces, in shapes and forms that leave one feeling worse. Much better to let it in, and wash over you, in its entirety. Believe me, this “allowing” self to feel is a huge step towards moving on. I shut myself out. I cried. I stayed in darkness. I grieved. I fought with God. But, at the back of my mind, I was just strengthening my self to rise up, stronger and sure of myself. You know, one reads about the power of free will and choice, but till realization sets in, the concept remains just that, a concept.
Today, as I write this, I smile because I know now that the so-called meaningless things in life have more meaning for the one who can see. We all go through life, conditioned by society, family about what has meaning… a career, a beautiful home, money, to be able to travel to exotic places, and you CANNOT be single! (What’s wrong with you? Aren’t you seeing anyone? Sounds familiar?)… We hear it so much, read about it in glossies, see perfection sashay down ramps on TV, see people leading a lifestyle that one can only aspire towards. Somewhere, somehow, we start believing that OUR life the way it is is not good enough. We are not good-looking enough, fit enough, rich enough, interesting enough… and we cry inside, screaming “enough is enough”, yet no one hears, sometimes, even we don’t hear our “self” calling out…
And then, life is a drag; one feels like Atlas twice over, sucked in a dark vortex, wondering how to deal with it.
Here’s how: Let yourself feel, let yourself go, dive straight in the dark dank waters of negative thoughts. You need to confront each of these, before you can let go. I liken it to crossing a river; you need to swim across to know the depths, to understand the nature of the river. If you build a bridge, or row across in a boat, you will get to the other side, but without knowing what the river is like. I hope my example is clear. In short, embrace something close so that you can let it go. Paradoxical? Yes! But so is life!
Learn to reach out to others. There is NOTHING that has happened to you that hasn’t to anyone else and it will happen again to someone. You are not alone in your moment of happiness or pain. But its just that, a moment. And last but not the least, be grateful to life, to God, to everyone, even those people who hurt you or gave up on you, they enriched your life’s experience in their own way. After all, can one just survive on sweets? You need a balance. Is night anything without day and does day have any meaning without night? Remember to be grateful for this balance in your life. Treat everything in life as a lesson. Learn to ask yourself when in any situation, what can I learn from this? Believe me, you will find something! I am a different person today. I keep busy, am peaceful and like waking up in the mornings! I don’t have any secret formula to share with you, or some magical chant or potion. It’s just that I have changed my definition of what has meaning for me. A smile on a stranger’s face, the green of the leaves, the sky with its multi hued patterns, even a lone flowerpot on someone’s windowsill makes me smile. Life is beautiful, indeed, even with all its broken dreams and rough rides.
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