It must have been the wee hours of morning, the time when the
birds start stirring with life... and the sun hangs low, waiting to bring the
world to its feet once again. When she came and sat next to me, I felt the
mattress dip and I woke up with a start and it was my mother, long gone from
this world, looking as radiant and beautiful as ever. She was smiling yet
looked anxious. I said "Maa, is everything okay? You hardly ever visit
me..." and she stroked my forehead and said "I know the heartbreak
you have experienced in the last few months. I am worried and afraid for
you."
Tell me, my rabbit (her
nickname for me)... tell me about him. I looked at her, lowered my eyes and
said softly "Maa I love him. It is as simple and as beautiful as that. I
have read about it and we even discussed about love in the books we read. I
never thought I'd experience my soul actually be another's half... I thought it
happens only in imagination or fiction. But it has happened to me. I love him
with all my being, my heart and soul. I would give my life for him in a second,
without thought if I just know it needs to be done for his happiness and peace.
I see him, not just the handsome, soft yet strong man he appears to be. I see
his heart, full of love and gentleness. I see the kindness in him. I see how he
always puts others before him and has all his life. I wanted to be someone who
puts him first. He is a beautiful and pure heart... and I cherish him. I adore
him."
She nodded and said "But,
child, he doesn't love you. He does not even know this." I said "I
know and it's okay. Love does not want anything except the opportunity to be
received, to be given. Anything that craves possession is a factor of our ego,
Maa. I just wanted to be his strength, the way he would have been mine. I
wanted to hold his hand and journey through life. I wanted to be a smile on his
face and a reason for his joy. I wanted to love him and his family and just be
grateful to be a part of such a man's life. But, sometimes, no matter how
altruistic and pure our thought and intention maybe, life flows in another
direction. We just have to accept it. It did feel like for a moment, that he
sees me. But I was mistaken. It would have been a reward of many lifetimes to
have this dream manifest... maybe I have to be more deserving of a love like
this."
She sighed and said "But
have you thought of yourself? Your future?" I smiled and said
"You know me, Maa. I have never been someone who is worried or afraid
about the future. I just go from day to day wanting to make the best of
whatever comes my way. I have learnt that you cannot second guess or plan life
too minutely. And being afraid of a tomorrow that may never come, only robs us
of the joy in today which is before us."
She nodded and said "I
could never make you worldwise. You were always my crazy little girl with a
heart as vast as the sky. I could never make you be afraid of this world. I
just wanted you to be happy, my little one. What about marriage? Who will look
after you?"
"Look at me, Maa... see how
I shine? See my smile? Where do you think it comes from... a happiness, deeply
rooted in my heart. I am blessed to have this heart. People get married, are in
relationships are they all happy? Sadly, no. I am so lucky (maybe not in the
eyes of this world) to have this love. At least I know the someone I really
want is here, is alive. Even from afar, I know someone I TRULY want to pray
for. How many people even couples, really love their partners so? They stay
together for the sake of society and convention, yet remain unfulfilled in
their being. See me, Maa, I am LOVE. I have this love that will sustain me
forever. I will see him once in a while and if I see that he is happy and
content. I will smile inwardly and sing a song. I will keep on meeting people with
an open heart and mind and as for looking after me, see Him. He is my strength,
no not the man I love... HIM. My divine father, who now, walks with me with
every step. Maa, I trust HIM and believe me, Woh kabhi mera bura nahin hone
denge. He knows the reason behind every sorrow and joy. I am now in HIS hands.
You need not worry."
She looked relieved and touched
my cheek "Any regrets?"
I said "Well, not exactly
regret but sometimes, I do feel sad that I could not even tell him, I really
wanted to hold his hands and just tell him that I love him. This emotion
sometimes falls from my eyes. It is just love that could not be expressed that
flows as tears."
She then held my close to her
bosom and said "Make a wish, Lopa."
"Maa, my wish is that in
anyway, without creating any disturbance or ever being a frown on his face, may
my love be his strength just the way it is my courage. And Maa, do this for me
just one time, go as a soft breeze and ruffle his hair, caress his cheek,
bringing him a moment of sudden relief and calm which he just feels and cannot
explain."
She laughed and gently slapped
my cheek and said "I will."
