When you Love Someone you Can’t be With.

Each day I wake, having told myself I would not…that I would not hold on.

That I would let go of you—that when I wake, I’ll have let you go.

But this morning, like many mornings, I’ve awoken to the delicate whisper of your soul yet again.

I think, “D*mn it, I’m still in love with him,” relating to how I feel about someone so strongly despite the many feeble efforts I make each day to detach, let go and love without expectation. The moment he crosses my mind, it’s all over. The first glimpse of him each time and I’m falling again—falling for him all over again. He mesmerizes me.

This man who haunts my thoughts, desires and dreams—I can’t help the way I feel about him, and so often I’ve tried to discount these feelings and rationalize this behavior as love-lust or an infatuation, ignoring what’s real and passing through me in the present moment.

I’m cultivating love, and each day our lesson is to acknowledge it while giving it to the divine for transmutation and expression. In this case I cannot reach out to him and simply say, “I love you, I’m in love with you.” And sometimes that just burns me up is the need the bone deep need to just hold him tight and say that even if it is for a moment... let my heart empty itself of the love it carries around with his name on it. 

What am I to do about this very real, nagging feeling that occupies my mind, body, heart and spirit so often? We suck it up—remembering to love ourselves first and foremost because needing someone this way reminds us of how much we need ourselves too; that self-love cannot be relied upon from others for our own personal satisfaction and fulfillment.

Sometimes we simply need to be there, holding space—not making sense of it or trying to examine things too closely. Sometimes our heart simply wants us to stay put and to be there if or when someone needs us. Even if we’re thousands of miles apart, we can be there for them—in spirit.We need only think of them for a few moments, realize how blessed we are to know them and that our lives intertwine and separate for many mysterious reasons, of which we really have no genuine comprehension of.
It’s a miracle to even know someone on such a soul-deep level.

What are we to do when someone else’s heart drifts elsewhere?

We honor their space and respect their commitments while remaining steadfast to our own.

The man I imagine loving would do it for me, so I will do the same for him.

Sometimes the cultivation of love is meant to gestate over long distances and periods of time.

We can simply smile kindly upon this person we hold so dear to our hearts and whisper how happy we are for them into the wind.

I’ll even whisper, “I love you.”

Because I care—for reasons that cannot be explained. Because I just love him and that too cannot be explained.